I’m not in the mood to have sex with you!

\It isn’t easy saying no to a partner when you aren’t in the mood. Sex experts share secrets for softening the blow.

After I moved in with my boyfriend last year, after being on my own for six years, there were a ton of unexpected things I had to adjust and learn to live with. Among the most pressing thoughts was learning to say no to sex in a way that didn’t hurt his feelings but still remain honest. This problem has not occurred before then we’ll see each other a few nights a week, but living together meant that we had to adjust to each other’s schedule and sex time tables.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my boyfriend and I love our sex life, but sometimes I’m not in the mood when he is. It’s not an often recurrence, but when it does happen, it’s complicated to maintain an equilibrium between declining nicely and feeling like doing so might put a tear in our relationship.

I’ve discovered that when the reason for saying no is if I’m ill in some way – the all-too-common headache, upset stomach or even my period which makes me kind of lethargic – it’s much easier to soften the NO than it is when I simply don’t want sex. I’m a person who has real trouble getting in the mood for sex when I’m stressed out about work or money, which, considering I’m a full-time freelance writer, is much of the time. I don’t end my job at 5 p.m. Some people consider sex a way to help release their stress, but I like to be as stress-free as possible when I do it. If something else is occupying my mind, i find it really hard to get over that and activate seduction mode. In my head, I don’t feel like I’m rejecting my partner as a person but more that I want to be alone. But between that and actually conveying the message…is a long road.

So I ask some sex experts on Twitter about what is the proper course of action when you’re not in the mood and how would they want to be treated if they’re on the receiving end.

Lauren Marie Fleming, famous online sex blogger Queerie Bradshaw told me: “My sex appetite is significantly higher than my partners. When we first met, I took it quite hard, considering she was significantly less into me. Every time she rejected my sexual appetite, I felt like she was rejecting me, myself, from my body to my personality, to my sexual desires.” So…what do they do in such situations? Her lover tells her early on about when she’s not in the mood and gives Fleming an actual good reason so she doesn’t feel like the rejection is personal. Sometimes they’ll engage in mutual masturbation, which can wind up leading to “a wilder romp” for them.

Fleming mentioned something I hadn’t thought of when I cared only for my own needs: “I did realize that if she gives me a reason, it helps tremendously. When she used to just roll over in bed, I presumed I did something to turn her off. “. I should work on talking about my reasons with my partner or else he might think, like Fleming, that it was his fault and not mine.

Kristina Wright, author of “Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After” is a military wife that has been married for 23 years and has two kids. She admitted that refusing sex didn’t get easier over time. Wright says: “I need a little mental effort and fantasy to get in the mood for sex, but my life is stressful  and chaotic and on some occasions  I’ve been known to say a quick ‘no’ because I’m tired or touch-sensitive after hanging out with two active little boys all day.”

But her rough “no” might just be temporary and she will get on to it as soon as she finds some time: “Once he suggested the idea of having sex and I’m starting to think about it, I’ll usually change my mind, within a few minutes or hours. So rather than saying a flat-out no, if I think something might change I’ll say it this way: ‘I’m not really in the mood now, but check back with me after ____,’ with the blank being when the kids are asleep, when I finish my work for the day, when I’ve gotten a cup of coffee or taken a hot shower and feel refreshed, or tomorrow morning when I’ve gotten a few hours of sleep.”  She argues that a sex “rain check” might be just the thing to keep disappointment at bay.

Reid Mihalko is a sex and relationship expert who’s been with his primary partner (they are in an open relationship) for more than six years and has an entirely new opinion on the rejection: “Often, it’s the connection I’m after rather than simply getting sex,” he explains. “We dabble with the idea that, when either of us says no to a request, we should be answering with, ‘Thank you for taking care of yourself,’ which reinforces that it’s fine to say no while also subtly turning the rejection into a good thing. When I know my partner can say no whenever she wants, it allows me to trust their yes, so when we do have intercourse, I don’t worry whether or not they’re into it.”

I also asked other people to share their take on the matter. Roger, married for 15 years, has a higher sex drive than his wife but even he feels the need to be “romanced a certain amount. I don’t want it to be something of a chore”He would like women to know that “guys don’t generally get hard and ready in a second. When I come home and want to have sex, the idea has been in my head for hours.” When he’s the one saying no, it’s not an absolute no, but one like Wright’s, a more of not right now no. Being with his wife for so long, if he knows that his wife wants him, that fact alone can be enough to initiate intercourse. “When I really don’t want to have sex, I will still give her a shoulder massage, or oral sex, and that works for the connection I think she wants.”

Molly (alias) felt real pressure from a boyfriend that couldn’t seem to get it when she really meant that she was saving herself for marriage. Even though they had oral sex, it wasn’t enough for him. “I’ve never had a girlfriend who wanted to wait. How can I call you my girlfriend if I can’t have sex with you?” was an example of what she had to hear. Needless to say, she was very relieved when they broke up after only three months.

Refusing sex or not being as “horny” as your partner can make even the most optimistic (ok, I’m talking about myself here) feel ashamed, like they did something wrong. Knowing that I’m not the only one who struggles with this and with finding creative answers made me really rethink what brings me in the mood for sex. I adore Fleming’s mutual masturbation idea because it allows both partners touch and satisfaction and leaves open the possibility for sex if that’s their desire.

Another thing that might work is the advance notice. Sure, it sounds less fun to  have a sex schedule, but sometimes, knowing about it, makes me fantasize and think and is a nice reminder that there is a time for work and a time for play.

Speaking of time…I’m a far bigger fan of afternoon and morning sex than nighttime sex. I might be called an old lady, but around 8 p.m. I just want to relax and watch repeats of the “Big Bang Theory”. Establishing a sex schedule has helped both of us adjust to what is the right times for us.

The conclusion is that figuring out what and when we want sex is one thing, but sharing that information is a skill set each and every one of us must develop. Maybe you really do have a headache sometimes but for the other occasions, you should learn to be upfront with your reasons.